Sunday, September 21, 2008

Read Me

Read me: Isn't that what we say to each other every day? Not with words necessarily, but with what we do, how we act. I plan out the night before what I will be wearing the next day, how I will fix my hair, what jewelry I will wear- all that someone will take notice and then read what it is that I am trying to say.

But it's not only that we want to be read. There's another side to the story. We don't just want to be read, we then want to be written. We want our life to be written in the air, in the hearts and minds of those around us. But not written by us, the pen has been removed from our hands. We have given the pen and paper to others and have asked them to write about us. As a result, we then look for our value to come from other people, those same people we are trying to prove ourselves to, we are looking for their approval and acceptance, whether we know them or not. And yet, at the end of the day a majority of us go home empty. We lay down missing what we woke up looking for.

I have a new friend. And my friend told me something that really hit me- my friend said I was wonderful. Why were those words so powerful? It's a word, a descriptive word that everyone uses in their daily conversations: "Oh the soup is wonderful." "Have you been to see the play? It's wonderful." "That dress looks wonderful." But that word was used to describe me. And it stuck with me. It made my day really. So, laying in bed tonight about to go to sleep I started thinking of the power of our words. Being told that I'm wonderful doesn't happen very often, even from people that I've known for a long time. The conversations I have with friends often times go like this:

"Yo Freak, whatcha doin later?"
"Nothing weirdo."
"Wanna hang?"

Very uplifting right? It's as though many of us have lost the ability to say things that are really meaningful. When we do branch out and say something that we mean, things from the heart, we are considered strange, "out there." I know that there are people that I love, that I hold close to my heart and I try to tell them how I feel, but even then there are times I am afraid. "How will they respond? Will they laugh? Will they cry? Will they be angry?" How sad is it that those people that we are connected to, we are ashamed, or afraid to tell them how we feel. How sad is it that I am so hungry for nice things to be said to me, that I hang onto to any kinds words that are given, even when they are from a random person, a stranger, a new friend.

With all of these things swirling in my mind, I then had a new thought. Why is it that I'm looking to others to give me value. Why is there a price on my head ONLY if someone decides to give me a price. It's like the Friends for Sale on Facebook. How much will you go for? Are you worth the price? Worth being bought?

So instead of sleeping an even better thought popped into my head: I can no longer allow my price, or my value to be based on someone's thoughts of me. That's hard for a girl who looks for approval from others, who wonders what people think when they see her. "Will they notice my earrings don't match?" "What if they think my jokes are corny?" "What if I get to shy/embarrassed to talk?" "What if they don't like me?" "Will they see my crooked nose, and is there something in my teeth?" "What, what what...?" But I can't do that anymore. It's time to silence the voice inside my head that tells me "I am not," and instead listen to the voice that says, "I am and I will."

So, to my friend who said I was wonderful- thank you for some of the nicest words I have heard in a while.

To Everyone out there in Blogger Land- I will no longer be waiting for anyone else to read and then write about me. I am going to be busy- writing my own story.

Besides, I already found my value.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I like what you wrote here Stephanie. I think we all feel like this at sometime or another. We all have loneliness even if it doesn't show. You are wonderful and you know what I think of you.