Saturday, September 28, 2013

A Waking Dream

I was clueless. We had just arrived back home from.  Officially I had graduated into eighteendom. I had no idea that there would be any additional type of celebration. I was spending the afternoon with my two besties, and I just never knew how those days would roll.

As it was they had planned a surprise, and me, naively clueless, made it easy to execute.  We drove up to Bethany's driveway, and it was lined with cars.  She flipped her hair over her shoulder (she did this a LOT) and stated, "Oh, our family came over to visit."
Despite the fact that one of the cars belonged to another one of my best friends, the explanation worked for me, and I thought nothing more of it...until moments later I opened the door.

Talk about surprised.

I cannot quite explain why I did not anticipate or expect any such event. Everyone who knows me can attest that I do not let my birthday go by without making it known. However, I'm also easy to please and spending an afternoon doing nothing suited me (and still suits me) perfectly.  I still laugh at myself now, knowing what I know.  A large obstacle had been thrown in their way as one of our friends tried convincing me that many many people were on their way to Bethany's.
"No." I insisted. "Kim is just dropping them off. I don't know what you are talking about. It's just us."

I was wrong.
I was delighted.

I still remember sitting in a room full of friends, and smiling until my face hurt.

I did not expect that day.

That was one day. One afternoon many years ago.

Despite the fact that my friends can plan a simple, yet wonderful, afternoon I forget that God has something planned out way better for me than that surprise party. I become distraught. I dwell in the land of the, "I will never receive. I will never find what it is I most want. No one remembers me. No one cares. I am alone. No hope. No future."

I live with no expectation, no anticipation that there is anything good ahead of me. But I am wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong.

I can choose to live defeated; recalling only what I have lost, or what I do not have. Or, I can breathe in the hope that surrounds me everywhere I go. Recognizing that God's promises are true.

And it's true that things are not exactly as I would like them to be. But the reality, the true and honest reality is that things are actually better than what I could have ever imagined.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Extraordinarily Ordinary

I love words.
There are thousands and thousands of words that we can use on a daily basis. 
Extraordinary (someday)
I love words. 
I love words because they dance around me all day long. Some of them sound delicious, phrases and sentences we combine together to describe what we see, and feel... 
To our children, full of energy and emotions, new and learning how to explain instead of hitting, or yelling, we say, "Use your words..."
We sing, and sing and sing.

And, as adults, we use our words...
As we are driving down the freeway, we sing songs, our favorite lyrics; we croon to make loved ones feel better; we tell jokes to bring a laugh; we bring life with what we speak. 

I love words. Mostly. 
When it's in the dark, in the forest where all is calm, our words can speak death. Oh we can be hateful to each other. We mutter under our breath; we shout out our impatience at waiting in lines. 
While we shout angrily at others, our worst, our worst words our uttered to ourselves. We say these words, I  say these words out loud; in our minds, my mind. I am downright cruel. 

Over the years I have worked and practiced at positive self talk. I have written down affirmations. Repeated encouraging words and phrases out loud, in other languages, used post-it notes, emailed myself. I was mastering my technique in positive affirmation. 
Then I woke up the next day. 

While I can certainly look backward, and I've come so far, the truth is a lot of what I've stopped saying out loud, I just keep inward.

But I don't want to be that way. I don't want to tuck it in. I don't want to think it all.

Hard work.

I can't quite get a handle on it. But, I'll not quit trying.