Saturday, January 21, 2012

Where Love Is...

C and I went Friday to see a friend. We knew that she wasn't well. Her husband met us
with hugs, and a smile, and a greeting that was not quite expected. "She's not the same as you girls knew. She looks different now, but she'll love you just the same."
C smiled, and said, "We'll love her right back."

We went to her. We held her hands, and rubbed her arms. We smoothed her hair, and said things that you don't speak out loud. The room was filled with peace. Friends were there.
Family was there. Someone looked looked at C and said, "Will you sing? She would love it if you sang."
So she sang with her eyes closed, and her beautiful voice echoed down the hall. I joined in, and others followed suit. The room filled with more visitors, friends and family. The kleenex box was passed around. Hands were held. Hugs were given. The songs were favorites. Songs of hope, and of anticipation.

And, as people sang, she was laying back on the bed, eyes still closed, listening to every song,
every word and phrase, and though she could not sing with her mouth, with spoken words, she could sing with her heart. She raised her hands, with the help of others, and at moments entirely of her own strength, up to the person she knew to be the ultimate healer.

In the house, the rooms were filled with love. We sat with her brothers and other friends and family around the table, and I imagined a living picture that happens frequently. The laughter, the singing, the certainty with which they try to convince one brother that he was adopted, and the love. Filling and swirling around the room, around the house, love lived there, and
will live there still.

She met our Jesus on Friday night. Emma did. Hours after we left. She breathed in one last time, and went to be with Him. She met Him in that place where there is no pain, no sickness,
no tears. She met Him, and yesterday and today she walks with Him down the golden streets,
and alongside the crystal sea.

She now lives where Love is...

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Ode to A New Year

This year, I set off, hoping to make a few things true, right off the bat.

  • To begin with, I was determined to not allow my kitchen to go wild with dishes and chaos and disorganization any longer.
  • I was also determined to clean out my storage unit and to make sure it was very clean and organized.
  • I did also want to ring in the New Year in Chicago, on Navy Pier. I wanted to see midnight happen, with the crowds, and the fireworks.

Come January first I had done just that. I, with the help of me mum, organized my kitchen, with the help of some friends, reorganized my storage (actually more like a little storage locker thing in a room), and I did ring in the New Year in Chicago, on Navy Pier. I did see midnight happen, in the middle of a crowd, with a few friends, watched the fire works, and ran to the bus to get across town to the last train.

I was also pretty certain that I wanted to make it a goal to write at least one blog posting a week. I met my silent goal last week, but this week was hectic, although I did remember earlier today on Saturday. By the time I sat down I realized that it was actually 12:02 am, so technically Sunday.... I'm still counting it anyways!

Who else feels as though they are starting their New Year off right???

Thursday, January 05, 2012

On Your Mark, Get Set...

"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today."
~Mark Twain

The "holidays" are over. My tree is packed up, sitting in my "dining room" waiting to be moved to storage. (My NEW tree, the one I have wanted, the tree have eyed for three years tree, the tree with all it's pre-lit glory, the tree I wanted, but I was determined to wait for a great great sale tree, is in my car.) My new sock monkey is sitting on my tv stand. My New Year's Eve crown is sitting on the couch beside me. My apartment smells like cinnamon, and I'm sitting on my couch, all comfy and cozy in non-matching comfy pants and t-shirt. I am happy.

And excited.

I am a fanatic, when it comes to new beginnings. I enjoy the anticipation, and the count down. I enjoy the 1st and the clean slate the "new" brings. This year, this year is no different.

We are almost at Day 6, 2012, and my anticipation has not dissipated. Instead, it's only grown. And I have a secret. A secret that not everyone may know. A secret that I am about to share. GOD has great plans for me. Okay, maybe that isn't a big secret, but it is enough to make me look forward to what is ahead, and NOT behind.

I heard a quote that was in a movie, and I feel as though it sums it up perfectly...

We need "to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps - our promises made, and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures - or closed ourselves down, for fear of getting hurt. Because that's what New Year's is all about: getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. And stop worrying about 'what if' and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight - and it will drop - let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long."

Go on out there. Write your resolutions.
And rewrite them again.
Cross the one off you decide you hate 10 days in and make a new goal.
Run your marathon- or maybe half.
Cut back on all sweets, except for Saturdays and special holidays (and then every once in a while take secret delight in sneaking a piece of chocolate when no one is looking, and then don't feel bad about it.)
Take up your gardening or reading or exercising or yodeling.
Take your trip to Europe and backpack across the countries.

And, Don't forget to shine.

...Go.

*One last thing, my birthday is in 22 days.*

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Just a Moment, Please....

There are moments. Like this one.....

....When I am sitting in my comfy place, on my couch, or propped up in my bed....

....After I have just read a beautiful, or funny, or melancholy story....

....When my Charlie Brown-esque Christmas Tree isn't lit
(because, well, I have to redo the lights so that the plug-in
is not buried somewhere in the middle of the tree)....

....When I'm contemplating packing my bags for a trip to see
My Melissa, two weeks before I have to leave....

....When my face is hurting because I've been laughing....

....When I'm wearing my Goodwin t-shirt, and I'm reminded that I have friends, wonderful, best of the best friends, nestled in various places around the country....

....When the day I've been waiting for arrives.....

....When events are planned....

....I'm in the middle of a messy, creative project....

....I'm talking to Blanche....

....When fun secrets are in the air, along
with a bit of mystery and wonder....

....When I hear my favorite song on the radio....

....After a phone call....

....Looking through pictures....

....I just ignore the fear and take the jump....

....I have put pen to paper (or electronic ink? to screen?)....

....because it involves more laughing, and talking, and singing,
and dancing,
twirling, and LIVING....

....that I am reminded that I am so very, very blessed. And that life is good. And that God is great. And that it's not over. And that each day is a new chance to be more fabulous, and more amazing....

....when I make a choice to be happy, and at peace....

Lookin' forward to the journey- how about you come along?
“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” ~ Jean de La Fontaine

Thursday, December 01, 2011

A Bird’s Eye... Strike that... A Camel’s Eye View

Fall is the perfect time of year.

I will give you spring, and summer and winter are all beautiful for a short season, but fall. Fall is perfect.

I love the leaves changing colors. The crisp, cool air. I love breaking out the sweaters for the first time, and the smell of a good fall fire in the air.

This year, my friends and I decided to take a trip to an Apple Orchard. Imagine my delight when I learned that they were offering camel rides, and anyone, I REPEAT ANYONE, was allowed to ride, for a mere five dollars. I turned to Karen, and probably squealed with delight, "KAREN, It's a camel ride! I've always wanted to ride a camel!" With a shrug and a head nod, Karen decided she was game, and more than willing to ride the camel with me.

I questioned the booth people carefully. "Anyone can ride?"
"Yes."
"Grown up people?"
"Yes."
"Me?"
"Yes."
"Two tickets, please."

Strangely, Karen's boyfriend wasn't as excited about the prospect of the two of us riding the camel, but we didn't let that stop us. We stood in line in between a toddler and an eight year old, (proudly I might add) as Todd stood far, far away.

There may have been a few quiet whispers between Karen and myself.

"Karen, there are no other "big" people in line for the camel ride. They all have kids."
"Don't worry Stephanie. No one here will ever see us again."
I nodded. She was right, and that was enough for me! (And, honestly, I wasn't gonna let anything stand in the way between me and the camel.)

It was over far too quickly. We took two laps around the big (well somewhat small-ish) ring. The camel owners were kind enough to stop the camel long enough for Todd to take a picture of Karen and I atop the camel (pictures to be disclosed at some point later in the future). All too soon my ride was over.

Next up, I need to find someone with an elephant.....



*A view from the top


Anyone know how to "strike-through" in the title?


Monday, November 28, 2011

The Shepherd and the Treasure

The shepherd was known to everyone in the town. The animals loved him, but so did the people. He was quiet and kind. He did not speak harshly. Even when someone was wrong, he would make it right. He would wrap his arms around him or her, and in his quiet, gentle way calm the storm.

A little girl lived in the town. Quiet and peaceful.

The little girl was stubborn. And, she was smart, but always underlying the "smart" was the stubborn. The fierceness and fieriness that comes when you are determined to do whatever it is you want to do. "I do it myself," she would say, and she would snatch her hand away, from the larger one offering assistance.

As she was playing outside one day, she came across a treasure. Never-mind the type of treasure, what it was, just know that it was a treasure. It was small, and it fit in the palm of her hand. It was sparkly and the most beautiful color. She knew immediately upon picking it up that she would never let it go. It would be with her always.

The shepherd saw her with the treasure, and he knew what she did not. He came beside her, and offered her a different treasure in place of the one she gripped so tightly. She would smile up at his kind face and say, No thank you shepherd. I have my own. He would smile, and pat her on the head and walk on.

What the shepherd knew, is what the little girl did not notice. That the treasure slowed her down. She still would play and sing and dance, but she moved slower, sang softer, danced less frequently. It was difficult, holding her treasure in her hand, and trying to move throughout the day. However, it was hers, and she could not put it down. Occasionally, as she was playing, she would feel a slight pain shooting through her hand and up her arm. She would examine the treasure, and sigh. Her treasure, though beautiful, had a sharp, cutting edge. Often as her treasure cut into her hand she would think about putting her treasure away, setting it aside, but she would shake her head no, and grip it more tightly. A treasure, after all, was worth the pain.

The shepherd would come by frequently, more and more often. Always with the same question, and she offered the same response.

The day came, however, when the pain in her hand could not be tolerated any longer. There was no playing. No singing. No dancing. Only silence. The little girl would sit with her arms crossed, gripping the treasure tightly. Her hand had begun to bleed. It was slow at first, but the sharp edge cut, and day after day it cut into the same wound that was trying to heal from her grip the day before. She loved her treasure. It was inexplicable the way she felt. The thought of setting her treasure down caused her more pain than the pain in her hand. Her mom and dad were wise. They would encourage her to put it down. She would shake her head, no. Her friends were kind, we'll take it from you, we will help you. She would walk away.

The shepherd would come by, and ask. Crying even still, she would look at him and say, "No shepherd. I love my treasure."

One morning, the little girl awoke. The day was no different than the day before. The sky was a gray, the pale gray that comes in the fall. Inside, however, the girl knew it was time. She needed to be free. She stood up. Put on her best dress and her shiny shoes, and walked outside and down a long path and to the river. She knew who she would find there, waiting for her, and she was right. The shepherd stood by the river, his eyes soft, his lips smiling.

She opened her hand, and with her other she grasped the treasure. She held it to the light, and examined it one last time. It was still beautiful, but instead of admiring the shine, she saw the edge. The sharp, and cutting edge. It was time. She walked to the shepherd, and stood beside him. He stretched out his hand, asking for her treasure, and she handed it to him. With her at his side, they walked to the edge and let the treasure fall into the water. The water swallowed her treasure whole, and swept it away.

The little girl sat right where she had stood, and cried sobbing tears. All the pain and frustration running down her face, and pouring out of heart. The shepherd sat down beside her, patting her head. Saying nothing, but waiting.

She opened her hand, and they stared at her wound. The deep, long cut that the treasure had made. He traced the wound with his finger. He then reached in to his satchel, and pulled out a different treasure. He held it to her, and this time she took it. It was magnificent, of the deepest, purest color. The light shined off it's surface. She smiled, and could hardly speak. This treasure was exquisite. Far outweighing the beauty of her old treasure. And it was smooth. No violent edges, nothing that would cause pain. "Oh it's beautiful," she whispered, and she tried to hand it back to him.

The shepherd smiled at her softly, and said, "Didn't you know? I've had this the whole time, just for you."

The little girl cried again. Not out of pain, but joy and peace.

Then, she started to dance.



Thursday, August 25, 2011

Seeing

A while ago I wrote a note and sent it to me mum:

I have to say, I believe in God. I believe God has a purpose for my lfie. I really do. But, For my whole life I felt as though I didn't belong anywhere with anyone. For once, I finally did. It's taken me a while to really put to words how I am feeling, and why I am feeling what I do and today it hit me. I BELONGED with someone. I had someone that I went with, that I fit with. I was an "US." It was nice. It was like becomming a part of a whole, when before I was only a piece. Now I feel like only a piece again. I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel whole and good and well on my own. Now that I've acknowledged that, I need to start working on feeling that way.

In response I received this (from my wonderful Mum):

Even though you felt like you didn't belong, the fact is you did. You just didn't believe you did. You believed you had to be an US to be ANYTHING. The fact is you are important enough to be enough on your own. That does not mean that the desire to share your life with someone is a flaw. It is not. BUT to be a PART of someone else you have to be a WHOLE person on your own. The goal here is to try new things on your own. GO meet some new friends. God is who can make you whole because HE is that one that will always be there. ALWAYS...there is no person that will always be there no matter how hard they try or want to...God wants you to feel whole in Him because until you really understand that you will only be a piece no matter what.

Of course, it got me thinking. Why did I feel as though I had a purpose during the time I was in the relationship, but the moment it was over I didn't? My purpose all the time was the same. Ultimately to be a light. And to be the best daughter, sister, family member, friend, manager, emplyee, human I can be. My purpose has never changed. I just have not had clear vision my whole life.

Hopefully my vision is beginning to clear.


Monday, August 22, 2011

New Day Same Story

I decided to repost a post from three years ago. It summarizes a lot of how I'm feeling recently (aside from the fact that I'm NOT about to turn 30.)
Here goes:

This year I decided that since it was my last year in my 20s I needed to make some definite changes, not for anyone other than me. It's been quite the trip.


Everyone has a story right? A look at me, here I am story. Some stories are loud and in your face. Some are "girl/guy next door." There's teh sweet and the sour stories. The ones you wish you had never read, and the ones you wish you could never put down. And some, are quiet, every day, make the bed, fold the clothes, rise and shine, snow is falling, grab your umbrella, every day stories. And that, is me.


This is hard for me. To not fall into the dynamic, "Look at me! I'm amazingly amazing! I bring the hilarity to the hilarious!" type of crowd. Instead I fall into the everyday, like a whisper. A leaf falling. Marshmallows and scented candles. I have always thought it was other people's fault for missing me. For not seeing me. For forgetting my name, forgetting my face. But, really it's my own fault for not living in my own skin. Really living.


Someone told me that I try to please people to the point of sacrificing myself. With "WWJD" (What Would Jesus Do) ringing in my head, I decided a long time ago that I was going to sacrifice myself for other people. I decided that if nothing else, I am good at (well, memorizing large chunks of the Bible- woo- that's fun at a party) helping others. I can take care of other people better than I take care of myself. But then somehow over the years I got lost. Helping was no longer good enough; in addition to helping I had to make sure everyone else was happy. Then I changed from serving others to BECOMING for others, what those others wanted me to be. So I forgot. I forgot along the way who I was, and I never gave myself a chance.
Now, with the big 3-0 on the way, I have a lot of thinking to do. Tonight I went for a long walk, with the wind blowing by my face, chilling my nose, and I thought about how if I could be anyone person in the world who would I be. And, I've decided to be myself. I will admit, though, I'm a little afraid.

There are these things that are so very Stephanie- a little quirky and odd. I can't make right hand turns in any vehicle, and I always check the ceilings in new places for an escape in case of some type of invasion. (Because, the bathroom in JC Penny's is JUST where bank robbers would run??? -Nancy Drew did that to me.) And then any new book I open I always have to hold it close to my face and breath it in- I love the smell of new books. But these things are just small things. Things that I have been afraid of because they make me- me. And what if me being me isn't good enough?


At the same time that I am afraid, I also have this hope. There are these verses in the Bible that talks about how God made us, knows us and has a purpose for us. I had been thinking that perhaps He had forgotten about me in the middle of all the noise and all the hustle of the day, and that He might not seem me in between all the other people that shine a little brighter than me. But, I don't think He did after all. I think He made me me on purpose. I think He made me just "every day" so that I can have the chance to do all the things that other people might not get to do and really find it enjoyable. I get to be messy and silly so kids love me and want to hang. I get to over curbs (carefully- or you'll blow a tire), and I can laugh and think it's funny and have a good story to tell the next day. I get to find some kind of weird delight in taking a ride through the car wash while drinking my favorite beverage.

If you look for me, you will find me. I might be sitting in the back listening, (or talking if someone gives me an open ear-ha!) taking in the crowd. I very well could be trying to help make someone else's day better with some sort of a story involving me in some near death experience on some stairs. Maybe I'll be practicing one of my accents (okay, I really only have one), and there's the possibility that I will have some sort of chocolate in my mouth and a puzzle book in hand, but I most definitely will be learning who I am. I would ask for you to give me a chance, but everyone already has- it's time for me to give myself a chance.

I think this is probably the biggest adventure I'm about to go on- and I think it should be a pretty good ride.

One request though from all of you though: if you happen to ever see me wandering in the parking lot, come walk with me. It probably means that I forgot where I parked and could use some company while I scour the rows for my missing vehicle.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Gray

I am about to be honest...
Generally I like to think of myself as an honest person, but this time I'm about to be painful OPEN and honest. Open being the operative word.

For over the last year and a half I have been dating someone. I do not tend to go too personal on here, because it's public, and my life is not. Recently, we broke up. For me, in that moment, life suddenly became shades of gray. I found that I had, within that time period of being an "us", forgotten all about the "me." It is difficult to remember what that is like. There are so many things that I enjoy doing, but I've forgotten all about them. There are so many things that I complete and I realize I'm waiting for someone on the other end to applaud for me and cheer for me. Now there is no applause or cheering. It's just my face and my voice. Quite honestly, it made me want to stop doing anything I've ever done and sit in a room with the lights off, in silence, shutting out the world.

The problem is, life doesn't stop. The world keeps rotating, and while I'm just sitting, life continues to happen all around me. People are LIVING. But I am not. Why am I writing all this? I don't really know. I have always found that writing is cathartic. Somehow putting pen to paper (or whatever you call when you are typing) puts things in order and sets things right. I need to be set right. For right now, I don't have much more to say. I'm sure I will be back, but for now I am going to be working on Me.

Always,

Thursday, May 05, 2011

My Favorites

Happy Mother's Day Mum!

I decided to link up an old post about the fabulous-ness of my mum and dad!

Love you!

Click here