Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Living in the Shadows- Toes in the Light

In so many ways, when I look back over all my years (I feel like I should not use that sentence unless I'm 95, but too late. I already did.) I feel like I'm exactly the same as the girl I was in high school. (I haven't grown taller, that's for sure.) Of course, there are the many ways I'm not the same (I haven't come my hair on fire in years. That's gotta be a plus.) Tonight I'm talking about the parts of me that are the same.

I was a worrier and a thinker and a wonderer. I was a closet creator, not quite sure of where I belonged and how my weirdness was not something to be worried about, but just something to be. I would worry though. And think. And I would wonder. What should I be? What should I do? How should I do it? Where should I go? Is it the right thing? Will I know if I am wrong?

I moved in to college doing the same worrying and thinking and wondering. Of course worrying, thinking and wondering can cause you to miss out on the activities that happened in front of you. So I faked my way around. Pretending I was living in the day all the while trying to turn the page and peek into tomorrow. I remember laying on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mom and saying, "What am I gonna do? What should I do? Tell me what to do." And with all her wisdom she said these words.
"Stephanie. Just be. Where you are right now. That's what you are supposed to do. Be right now. Do what is right now. Not tomorrow."

It should not have been surprising to me that when I went to see Beth Moore a few weeks ago (a speaker, and writer, a mom, a Jesus fan) that when she spoke to the 190,000 listening (including pod-casters) that she was speaking directly to me. I should have just set up on the platform right next to her because while I was listening to her I literally said, (Okay, I literally whispered it) "Okay God. You told her to say this." As she was speaking, and giving her seven points, in there was a line directed toward me. And so I paraphrase the message that God has been sending to me for weeks before (and now two weeks after):

Stop. Just stop. Stop worrying. Stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop flurrying around trying to figure out what and where and when, and how. Do today. Don't worry about tomorrow. Do today. Don't worry about where to go tomorrow, what you are going to do tomorrow, if you'll wear real pants tomorrow. Just stop. Do today. Be the Light today. Be You today. But STOP.

I don't like it. I have to be honest. I do not like it. I do not like the waiting. The stopping. The holding still. I want to be moving. Sometimes I think even if I were to go sideways, it's be better than being still because I'd rather be moving. And it's true that in the land of the Trains, there have been many times that instead of waiting for the train to finish I have flipped a U-ie (how on earth do you type that?), and gone around a whole block only to find that I did not get where I was going any faster.

The truth, the definite, no questions asked, truth is that I am not being productive with all this hoopla that I am putting myself through. I probably waste a lot of gas driving blocks out of my way when instead I should just be waiting. And in the mean time I'm setting up a tent and staking claim on a piece of property in the Land of Insanity. (It's jest not pretty.)

In all my thinking and wondering and worrying I'm also questioning myself. At times I find myself becoming edgy (not fun hipster edgy), but moody and uncertain. Unsettled. Cranky. When I do this thinking and worrying and wondering, when I refuse to just let go and trust God, and do not rest where I am, I shrink into the shadows.

I know that God is working. I just can't always physically see it. I have to believe that He has good plans for me because He did say it. I just can't always hear it. I have to hold on to the fact that He has someone good for me... I just haven't met him yet. I also know when I let go, open my hands and ask for peace (and actually sit still long enough) God provides it. I know it's true because in those moments the shadows dissipate and instead of sitting with only a foot and an elbow in the sunshine, I move all the way into the Light.

So now I have to ask myself, what's it gonna be little Weirdo?
More needless driving?
Or perhaps a little waiting would be just the thing?

Much love and chocolate,

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