Sunday, October 19, 2008

My life as a Made for TV Drama

(Quick note, go to the post below to see pics of the Biltmore estate in Asheville, NC. Awesome!)

If the opening scene were to start with where I am right now, it would be me wrapped in my red blanket sitting on the porch. It's dark and chilly. There's actually a frost advisory that I know about because my laptop weather channel alert is blinking yellow with the message. My nose is, I am sure, red and my feet are frozen, but I am sitting outside because it's quiet and I can think. The air smells cold and a bit like burning leaves. I breathe deep. That could be how the drama would start. It wouldn't get much more exciting from there though. I am not too interesting to watch. After I leave the porch I will undoubtedly go to bed where I will sleep until tomorrow morning when I have to drive my friend to the airport. If I'm not exciting enough to watch, I am probably not exciting enough to write about, but here I am typing typing typing. Trying to make sense of what is buzzing in my brain.

I've thought that maybe I'm writing to much. Maybe the world doesn't or shouldn't know the thoughts that I have in my brain at all hours of the night. Maybe I shouldn't give the world the power of knowing what I am thinking. There is a vulnerability that comes with putting words to paper- or in this case, typing them on an internet space so that the World Wide Web viewers can read and view and judge. And yet, here I am on another night typing my thoughts away.

If you have been reading then you know I've been on this little journey of sorts. Shall we call it, "New Adventures of the Old Stephanie"? Much like the new t.v. show about to make it's debut, (or has it already?) I have been working hard at finding me, finding what matters, deciding who I am, who I am going to be, and what I plan to do once I get myself all in order.

So, "What is it today Stephanie?" What is it that I am trying to determine today? That's what I am asking myself. Without going into much detail, as is the usual plan when typing out in public, today the thought running through my mind is "What do I do?" Have you ever had to make a decision and had everyone tell you his or her opinion- basically telling you what to do.
"Oh, take the job you'll make more money."
"Don't eat the pizza- you'll get heartburn."
"Get in the car and be quiet."
"Finish your homework."
"Be positive."
"Did I not tell you, No more wire hangers!!!"

And I can honestly say, I don't know what I want. I am torn from all sides. I don't know. The voices that I am hearing I cannot decipher. I do know that none of the voices are mine. I've turned mine off and instead and muddling my way through a sea of others. What am I waiting for? I don't know. I think somewhere inside I'm hoping that someone will say something that I like better than a previous statement, but it hasn't happened yet.

The other ironic part of this is that very few people know of the decision that I am trying to make. So not only am I trying to figure out what I want, I am actually trying to figure out what other people would want me to do, and what they would say. So the voices in my head, while not my own, are in reality, all my own.

There is another voice though. A voice that I have silenced that actually should be heard. A voice that could make sense of my mess if I would listen. I'm a little afraid, though, to hear it. I am afraid of what could come next. Like the director shouting at an actor I am afraid of what God could want me to do. I find that somewhat amusing considering I don't know what I want. Shouldn't I be open to what God might have for me? I have found that when I listen, things actually go better than planned.

So, what's the next step for Stephanie? What do I do in scene two of this unfolding life drama? I go to a quiet safe spot, and have a little conversation with the director. And while I don't think I'll be up for any Emmy nominations, I think at the end of the day, I'll do alright.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you... Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

1 comment:

duliv4him said...

Excellent article! Have you considered looking for a job with Dr. Dobson. He has several magazines and may need a writer/ editor.... What! NO Wire hangers...Is that from your mother? I can not throw them away they are FREE. And you never know when someone in distress needs your help to break into their car(;) Donna