Just. Stay. Alive.

I received a voice message today that caused a favorite memory of mine to come flooding in...

It was eight years ago. I was in college, and it was the summer before my senior year. I was interning in a church in central Illinois, and somehow amid the hustle and bustle (of soy beans and corn) I became good friends with Cindy. That summer we had good times, Vanilla Coke and bike riding in the cometary, and swimming...But there is one day that has always been a particularly favorite memory- The All Church Canoe Trip... Oh, I know some of you may be rolling your eyes, but this was a good time. Cindy and I were equipped with various items needed for a big day down the "BIG" River. (We were probably in either central Indiana or Illinois- I don't know, but they are KNOWN for their, oh whatever)

The beginning of the day was smooth sailing. Cindy and I were experts with the paddling, and we sailed along the river banks, wind in our hair, sun on our back. Funny thing about canoeing, you never know when you might tip. One section of the mammoth river caused us a bit more problems than the other. We decided that the best solution, since we were already out of the canoe, was to stay out of it and swim along side it until we made it to safety. Good plan right? Well, we initially thought so. But, as we swam along, the water kept rising. We were in a critical moment in our journey, panic was actually starting to set in, when Cindy turned back and looked at me and with all seriousness said, "Listen, whatever happens, just stay alive."

Almost immediately after she said that we broke into laughing as Cindy actually noticed she could stand up and touch the bottom of the river (Stream? Brook?). Was the water rising? Well, yeah. It had been about 2 1/2 -3 feet deep previously, and at that moment it might have risen to four. The whole time we were swimming and swimming and pulling the canoe along, we could have been walking. What seemed like a deep, no way out situation, was really all in our minds. The reality of the situation was not nearly as bleak as our minds made it out to be. She was, of course, joking when she told me to stay alive, but aren't there times when we are in the middle of a situation ALL we can manage to do is Stay Alive.

Doesn't it seem that in those "Just stay alive!" moments we forget the scenery, forget all together the beauty in what surround us, and ONLY focus on that we think might cause us to sink and then drown?

There are phrases that run through my mind when I'm in these situations, worrying incesently about, well everything.
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
"Don't borrow trouble."
"Just chill."
"You're gonna get an ulcer if you don't stop."- That's a recent favorite that I've heard actually from numerous individuals, ranging from close family to friends.

You see, I'm very good at coming up with "What if?" situations. Actually I'm an expert. It's one of my many talents. Very rarely, though do the what if situations that my wild imagination creates, come true. "What if... I get stuck in my spiral staircase trapped between the railing and the chair and there is no one around to hear my cry for help and my door is locked and I don't have my phone on me???" ( Ok, that actually did happen.)

But...what if after all is said and done there is only peace? What if after the rain stops and the thunder rolls on by there is only quiet? What if actually, in the middle of it all, I stopped and stood still and listened to the one consistent thing I know to ALWAYS be true. "At the end of the day..."

...I am never alone.

Oh, I know that physically I may be alone. I enjoy my quiet space (ask people out here in Charlotte, they know). There are days when I just need to shut myself away and restore my mind to peace. But completely alone? No.

There is always Someone with me. Always. What's even crazier, this particular Someone ALWAYS with me, is always willing to carry my burdens, my bags, my yoke (like oxen, not eggs) and - He's willing to carry me. Who is this Someone? A Shurpa? Nope. If you know me, you already know who it is. And if you aren't sure, or you want to know, you can ask me. I'll tell you.

I actually have said recently, at several points, "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this noise in my head STOP." But, I do. That Someone with me is the one who can actually quiet the noise.

And I have realized that while Mary Kay skin care products ARE good for the skin, but if I'm always walking around with my forehead crinkled, there's only so much that can be done. And while they may work on the outside, they really don't do much for the soul.

Jesus, however, will.

I feel as though I've been on this journey of sorts over the last month and a half, pushing myself to be better than I am, forcing my way into a new me. It's been a little on the tight side- IMAGINE, putting square peg into a circle hole, or a round peg in a square hole (whatever, pick what would be the hardest).

These days I really believe you could call me Peter- Peter from the Bible; not Peter the bold and brave, speaking fearlessly, but Peter the buffoon. To quickly summarize, Peter was a man who knew Jesus, saw Jesus heal people, walked with Jesus, talked with Jesus, KNEW Jesus, and yet in times of trouble, Peter was afraid--EVEN when Jesus was right there with him!
The Peter I'm referring to, is the messy Peter who jumped out of a boat when Jesus called out to him, and then he started sinking, because he started looking around realizing the reality of the situation. Reality states that PEOPLE don't/can't/won't/shouldn't walk on water. Reality screamed Peter's name. Peter, of course, had started looking around, (Did I mention it was a stormy day?) taking in all that he saw, and he started sinking? Yeah, that’d be me.

How does Peter equal Stephanie? It’s pretty obvious to me when I compare the two stories. I, like Peter, have taken a look at my surroundings, taken a look at all that’s going wrong, or confusing, or misleading, or just not what I want- the storm- and I have started sinking.

The story doesn’t end with the death of Peter. Oh no. Jesus reached down and pinched Peter on the back of the arm. Wait! No, Jesus reached down and took Peter by the hand. Jesus looked at Peter and said, “Why do you doubt?” (Insert here: “Why do you doubt my ability to save you? Why do you doubt that I SEE you, that I KNOW you? Why do you believe that I would FORGET all about you, when even a bird without food causes concern? Why? Why?”)

What I am finding is that sometimes I have to be taken out of my element, out of what I am most familiar with, most comfortable with so that I can grow. Otherwise I stay the same, never changing.

Had Peter never thrown himself, dare I say recklessly, out of the boat and attempted something new, then been afraid and then been "reprimanded," he might have stayed the same. He might have continued on as bumbling Peter, afraid, uncertain, loud, boisterous, and messy.

I’ve had these experiences recently, where I have (albeit metaphorically) thrown myself out the boat, been afraid and then I've basically been (as I call it) wacked in the forehead. It’s like a reality check where God has placed people, random, unexpected, strangers, family, friends (new and old), in my way to speak to me about things I know only God knows. And when I’m wacked in the head I hear God saying, “Um, uh, Steph? Do ya really think I would just uh, I don’t know, throw ya out there to fend for yourself? Do ya really think I could let you go, just like that?” And I find myself humbled, and maybe a touch annoyed at myself.

So we can read about Peter. He was a real man. He was changed into a new man, on the inside. I imagine that people who knew the Peter of old, and the Peter of new, could still see the old him. I imagine he wasn't perfect. I imagine he might be the person who would drop food in his lap, ketchup on his tie. (Insert, trip up the stairs and forget where I- oops, HE parked the car.) I imagine he still probably said what he felt in his heart, crying at the same time- all cards in. I imagine him cheering for the Dallas cowboys with all of his might, and then singing a song when he thinks no one hears him. I imagine him LIVING, and then DYING to himself every day. Those things that made Peter, Peter were still there. But there was something else added into the mix, that made him a softer eyed, kinder man. A man who spoke the truth even when it was painful. A man who went to bed, and got up the next day, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Okay, I’m gonna give this another shot.”

There is a picture that I have in my head. A picture of of a person standing on the water of a stormy lake, but acutally not just standing, but walking and running arms out, dancing, despite the storm. Someday, I hope that's me. Someday.

There is freedom when you let go.
In the darkness you can find light.

Who would have ever thought that me saying, “Hello Charlotte,” meant saying goodbye to something else?

Time to go. I have a boat to catch.

I looked up the wrong thing...

So online tonight, I was looking for a particular verse in the Bible, and instead of finding what I thought I was looking for I found this instead:

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I had forgotten.
But I remember it now.
Funny how things like this happen, just when you need them to.

Oompa Loompa Protest

I've been accused of being an Oompa Loompa. The pictures below prove I am NOT.

Me:
Oompa Loompa:

What does Sam's Club and Cheddars Equal?

A little bit of craziness!

Tonight I went and bought a new camera! I must say I am super happy with what I got!
For one- I'm no longer a white pasty glowing globe with eyelashes!
For two- (Is that even a proper saying? Prob not! But, whatever) I don't have to worry about it shaking! It takes good pics!
So after rushing to the store and pick up our cameras that we selected earlier online we headed off to another place only dreams are made of...

.........SAM'S CLUB!!

*Word to the wise NEVER go to Sam's Club when

• You are hungry
• You haven't been there in a while
• You are hungry
• You haven't been there in a while.

So, 15 minutes and 60 mini-pumpkins later- this is what we come away with:


Next up Cheddars!
I love Cheddars- Good memories!
........Like, studying philosophy, eating chips and queso and drinking Dr. Pepper.........
oh the college years!

Unfortunately, we hit a snag when leaving the parking lot: our car wouldn't start. So Christy ran inside and found a friendly waiter with jumper cables.

Good work team, good work!

Other quick news:
An old injury from working in a medical records office has returned. I- am -wounded.

You MAY not want to look!
Funny how a little thing like a swollen cuticle is VERY painful!

Oh to be brave....

So today me and myself were thinking together. It's never an unusual thing, for me to be thinking together with myself... I'm digressing.

So I was thinking and wondering how it must feel to not be afraid. Like, really not afraid, but brave, full of courage all the time. You see, I do not know how that actually works. I am afraid. I am afraid often.

There are, of course, different degrees of "afraid
Now before I list some of these I would like to make a disclaimer. I am not judging any of these fears. I believe that they are real, and that we all face something we are afraid of at some point. However, some of these items are a touch bizarre.

• The fear of number 13- Triskadekaphobia
• The fear of anything new- Neophobia (Okay, I can relate to that...)
  
• Asymmetrical things- Asymmetriphobia (I would like to know how this was determined. How did someone figure out that this was an actual fear??)
  
• Northern Lights- Auroraphobia (I always just thought they were B-E-A-Utiful)
• Politicians- Politicophobia (Not looking to start a political debate here, but this one is fascinating)
• The Pope- Papaphobia (Really? He's looks like he could be a grandpa!)
• Ugliness-Cacophobia (Oh goodness, I worry about that every morning when I get out of bed and see my hair!)

AND my favorite:

• The fear of long words- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliphobia or Sesquipedalophobia (Maybe this is a joke, I don't know, however, I literally spent about five minutes laughing at this. The fact that the longest word in history is used to describe the fear of long words? A joke or complete irony? I don't know, but it made me snort!)
  

Then there are every day fears:

• There's the "Oh my word, I failed a test" fear.
• The, "Oh goodness, are they going to like me or hate me" fear.
• And, what I like to call, the back of the knees aching fear.
  

The third fear listed is the one that I experience often. Most things that I am afraid of fit into this category: Roller Coasters (although I still do ride them), looking down from tall places, looking UP at tall places, and I could probably continue.

I actually thought of the following story several times throughout today. When I think about it, even now, I actually still feel my heart beating faster and faster, and the pain in the back of my knees returns. I can actually picture this moment. Many of you have heard this before, but I am going to tell it again.

It was just over seven years ago. I was in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. The sky was the bluest blue, the air hot, and the water ice cold. I was at the top of a cliff. Not standing, but actually cowering in fear. I had a friend next to me. Not forcing me, or making me DO anything, but just sitting with me as I debated the life choice I was about to make. Do I jump the 45ish feet off the cliff into the water, OR, do I take the much safer, more cautious, reasonable and grown up choice and walk away...forever...always to regret not doing it?

Seven years later a couple of questions run through my mind: Would I do it now if I had the chance, and would I still debate the choice in my mind?

For those of you who have this same problem you will understand my next question? WHY do I do I debate doing something that I know I really WANT to do?
I am afraid.
Oh yes. Afraid.
Terrified.
Back of the knees aching.
Shortness of breath.
And then, there's also the anticipation, and excitement of what could come next.

So the choice was weighing on me. I was running out of time sitting on top of the cliff. The dinner bell would be ringing. There would be the hike bike to the campsite. There would be the loading into the bus, and driving away never to return- and then there would be the dread and disappointment that I would experience knowing I missed out.

I said okay to my friend sitting with me and we moved closer to the edge of the cliff, where I resumed a seated position. Then without warning, I stood up, walked to the edge and jumped. I took a deep breath, grabbed my nose, and kept my legs straight. I jumped. I didn't look down, pass go, cry for mommy. I just- jumped. When I hit the water, and then made my way to the top of the lake, my heart was beating even faster. I was exhilarated. The moment I came up I threw my arms in the air and yelled. (Okay, it was cheesy but I yelled, "I love California!")

I would like to say from that day on I never was afraid again, but that would be a lie. I am afraid still every day. And I've decided that's not going to end. There will be fear. But then, there will the excitement of stepping over the fear. There will be the new things learned, the new challenges met, the belief in myself because I was afraid, but I did it anyways. In those moments I hope that I can still throw my hands in the air and yell, "I love California!" or maybe something else similar.

Even better though than yelling, is the peace and the satisfaction that comes knowing that I did not let anything slow me down, especially something silly like being afraid. So, from the outside you may not see it, but I will have my hands raised and I will be yelling.

"You become brave by doing brave acts." - Aristotle

If you have ever...

...felt pain or sorrow, disbelief, the loss of hope or any other emotion that cannot be written in words,
Read this blog:

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

In this blog, a family, a woman, faces a disaster. And how many of us can say that we have also faced struggles and pains and sorrows. What I am amazed by is the humility of this woman in sharing her story. She has written the truth. She has written about heartbreak of the greatest kind, and then she writes of hope.

Angie, thank you for sharing your story.

The Carnival Ride

We've all been there, done that--- the carnival rides. There are the super duper fast-two story high- slides. The spin you in a circle, upside down, forwards and backwards until you are sick rides (I avoid those). And then there's the classic ride- the Carousel. This ride, usually decorated ornately with bright colors and cheerful music playing over head, is a family fave. There are, of course, the the horses and sleighs that either move up and down, or sit stationary as you "gallop" around and around...and around. The best part though, is waving at your friends and family every time you see them on one of the many passes. I don't really know what is so fascinating about traveling at a slow speed in a circle. But, nevertheless, people love it.


Today, I realized that my life is similar to the carousel- Okay, so maybe I'm not normally seen riding a fake horse on a mobile platform, but, I tend to follow the same pattern time after time. I get on the same horse that I at one point had left behind, and once again find myself circling around on the carousel- again. And, I'm not alone. I think many of us do this.

I've talked of this issue before- carrying our burdens. Walking around with bags of issues, troubles, sorrows, sadness, fear, pain...I could go on and on. But the point really is not WHAT the issues are, just that they are. On our backs, on our shoulders, pressing and weighting us down.

The cycle in my life is vicious in the very least. It's almost a ritual. I pray, cry, say "Lord, take my burdens." And 2 days later I pick it up again. I am, if you will, a Traveling Pack Rat. What I cannot figure out is why. Why do I choose to hold on to these burdens? Why do I choose to be burdened, stressed, nervous, scared? I think the answer is: I am human.

So this morning in church I walk in and the song playing is "I surrender." To surrender generally means to give up. If you are in a war and you surrender, you are quitting the fight. In this case I decided to surrender me. Surrender my struggles, surrender the stress of work, surrender the stress of relationships, surrender the wondering about tomorrow. Writing it now I wonder "Why in the world did it take me THIS long to do it." The answer is the same as above. I tend to be human.

Matthew 11:28-30 explains that if we surrender, or give up, those things that we are holding in our hands, we'll be given a different burden instead. Who gives up a burden to only get a new one? I do. When I know that the burden I'm getting in return is easy and light.

This will probably happen again. I'll get back on my carousel and go around 1 or 2 times. I will get frustrated, upset and confused. I'll go back to wanting to figure everything out. I'll want to know what's waiting for me tomorrow, and why things aren't going the way that I want. But hopefully next time, I'll remember sooner that God is there. And at that point, open my heart to the peace that only God can give.

But, for today, I'm gonna roll with what I've got going now, and let my heart rest in peace. And, to celebrate, I think I'm gonna take a nap.
Gotta love Sundays.

Random Picture Night

Last night I went out with a friend and I decided it was random picture night!

Here are the pics that were caught on film:
I will say it's time for a new camera!

Uh, yeah, so this is a picture of the police dude that directs traffic outside of work.
*I did NOT take this picture!

This guy was reading the "Here you are" map at the Boardwalk.Displaced swan- he was swimming with a bunch of ducks.
Leafy grass things that looked cool and made an awesome noise in the wind.
You can rent chess/checkerboards!
That brings up an interesting point, I'd like to relearn chess!
Bridge out!
Guy singing outside a restaurant.
There was some kinda bird animal. Can you see it?
Duck.
So every picture that I take of myself ends up making me look like a bright white globe! I am paste-y white, but I didn't know I was this white! I also just love how my eyelashes are the only thing that can be seen on my face! I nearly blinded myself with this picture!
Nice ambiance:

Stools.
Lights.
Other notes of interest:

• I traded in my PT Cruiser for a Ford Escape-- LOVE IT! I still have problems turning.
• Yesterday morning I wacked myself in the head with my car door. Unfortunately, I know have a knot on the top of my forehead.
• I'm back to school! My new classes began on Wednesday.
• The weather had been gorgeous; beautiful during the day, cool at night.
• I'll be heading back home in 4 weeks- October 31st I'll be leaving...

.....on a jet plane.....

Can't wait to see everyone again!

Stephanie's New Story

This year I decided that since it is my last year in my 20s (Don't I look fab for being as old as I am? Not frumpy at all huh, Jay? And I would say I look more around 25, don't ya think?) I needed to make some definite changes, not for anyone other than me. It's been quite the trip. If you know me, or have read any of this you can probably see that a lot has changed. I resigned from my church- which was huge. I am going to school getting my MASTER'S degree, (that's another story in itself) and now I'm working in Charlotte for a few months. Those things just skim the surface though. The real story lies deeper- under the skin.

Everyone has a story right? A look at me, here I am story. Some stories are loud and in your face. Some are "girl/guy next door." There's the sweet, and the sour stories. The ones you wish you had never read, and the ones you wish you never could put down. And some, are quiet, every day, make the bed, fold the clothes, rise and shine, snow is falling, grab your umbrella every day stories. And that, is me.

That is so hard for me. To not fall into the dynamic, "Look at me! I'm amazingly amazing! I bring the hilarity to the hilarious!" type of crowd. Instead I fall into every day. Like a whisper. A leaf falling. Marshmallows and scented candles. I have always thought that it was other people's fault for missing me. For not seeing me. For forgetting my name, forgetting my face. But, it is really my fault for not living in my own skin. Really living.

Someone told me today that I try to please people to the point of sacrificing myself. With "WWJD" (What Would Jesus Do) ringing in my head, I decided a long time ago that I was going to sacrifice myself for other people. I decided that if nothing else, I am good at (well, memorizing large chunks of the Bible- woo- that's fun at a party) helping others. I can take care of other people better than I take care of myself. But then somehow over the years I got lost. Helping was no longer good enough; in addition to helping I had to make sure everyone else was happy. Then I changed from serving others to BECOMING for others, what those others wanted me to be. So I forgot. I forgot along the way who I was, and I never gave myself a chance.

Now, with the big 3-0 on the way, I have a lot of thinking to do. Tonight I went for a long walk, with the wind blowing by my face, chilling my nose, and I thought about how if I could be anyone person in the world who would I be. And, I've decided to be myself. I will admit, though, I'm a little afraid.

There are these things that are so very Stephanie- a little quirky and odd. I can't make right hand turns in any vehicle, and I always check the ceilings in new places for an escape in case of some type of invasion. (Because, the bathroom in JC Penny's is JUST where bank robbers would run??? -Nancy Drew did that to me.) And then any new book I open I always have to hold it close to my face and breath it in- I love the smell of new books. But these things are just small things. Things that I have been afraid of because they make me- me. And what if me being me isn't good enough?

At the same time that I am afraid, I also have this hope. There are these verses in the Bible that talks about how God made us, knows us and has a purpose for us. I had been thinking that perhaps He had forgotten about me in the middle of all the noise and all the hustle of the day, and that He might not seem me in between all the other people that shine a little brighter than me. But, I don't think He did after all. I think He made me me on purpose. I think He made me just "every day" so that I can have the chance to do all the things that other people might not get to do and really find it enjoyable. I get to be messy and silly so kids love me and want to hang. I get to over curbs (carefully- or you'll blow a tire), and I can laugh and think it's funny and have a good story to tell the next day. I get to find some kind of weird delight in taking a ride through the car wash while drinking my favorite beverage.

If you look for me, you will find me. I might be sitting in the back listening, (or talking if someone gives me an open ear-ha!) taking in the crowd. I very well could be trying to help make someone else's day better with some sort of a story involving me in some near death experience on some stairs. Maybe I'll be practicing one of my accents (okay, I really only have one), and there's the possibility that I will have some sort of chocolate in my mouth and a puzzle book in hand, but I most definitely will be learning who I am. I would ask for you to give me a chance, but everyone already has- it's time for me to give myself a chance.

I think this is probably the biggest adventure I'm about to go on- and I think it should be a pretty good ride.

One request though from all of you though: if you happen to ever see me wandering in the parking lot, come walk with me. It probably means that I forgot where I parked and could use some company while I scour the rows for my missing vehicle.