Seeing

A while ago I wrote a note and sent it to me mum:

I have to say, I believe in God. I believe God has a purpose for my lfie. I really do. But, For my whole life I felt as though I didn't belong anywhere with anyone. For once, I finally did. It's taken me a while to really put to words how I am feeling, and why I am feeling what I do and today it hit me. I BELONGED with someone. I had someone that I went with, that I fit with. I was an "US." It was nice. It was like becomming a part of a whole, when before I was only a piece. Now I feel like only a piece again. I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel whole and good and well on my own. Now that I've acknowledged that, I need to start working on feeling that way.

In response I received this (from my wonderful Mum):

Even though you felt like you didn't belong, the fact is you did. You just didn't believe you did. You believed you had to be an US to be ANYTHING. The fact is you are important enough to be enough on your own. That does not mean that the desire to share your life with someone is a flaw. It is not. BUT to be a PART of someone else you have to be a WHOLE person on your own. The goal here is to try new things on your own. GO meet some new friends. God is who can make you whole because HE is that one that will always be there. ALWAYS...there is no person that will always be there no matter how hard they try or want to...God wants you to feel whole in Him because until you really understand that you will only be a piece no matter what.

Of course, it got me thinking. Why did I feel as though I had a purpose during the time I was in the relationship, but the moment it was over I didn't? My purpose all the time was the same. Ultimately to be a light. And to be the best daughter, sister, family member, friend, manager, emplyee, human I can be. My purpose has never changed. I just have not had clear vision my whole life.

Hopefully my vision is beginning to clear.

New Day Same Story

I decided to repost a post from three years ago. It summarizes a lot of how I'm feeling recently (aside from the fact that I'm NOT about to turn 30.)
Here goes:

This year I decided that since it was my last year in my 20s I needed to make some definite changes, not for anyone other than me. It's been quite the trip.

Everyone has a story right? A look at me, here I am story. Some stories are loud and in your face. Some are "girl/guy next door." There's teh sweet and the sour stories. The ones you wish you had never read, and the ones you wish you could never put down. And some, are quiet, every day, make the bed, fold the clothes, rise and shine, snow is falling, grab your umbrella, every day stories. And that, is me.

This is hard for me. To not fall into the dynamic, "Look at me! I'm amazingly amazing! I bring the hilarity to the hilarious!" type of crowd. Instead I fall into the everyday, like a whisper. A leaf falling. Marshmallows and scented candles. I have always thought it was other people's fault for missing me. For not seeing me. For forgetting my name, forgetting my face. But, really it's my own fault for not living in my own skin. Really living.

Someone told me that I try to please people to the point of sacrificing myself. With "WWJD" (What Would Jesus Do) ringing in my head, I decided a long time ago that I was going to sacrifice myself for other people. I decided that if nothing else, I am good at (well, memorizing large chunks of the Bible- woo- that's fun at a party) helping others. I can take care of other people better than I take care of myself. But then somehow over the years I got lost. Helping was no longer good enough; in addition to helping I had to make sure everyone else was happy. Then I changed from serving others to BECOMING for others, what those others wanted me to be. So I forgot. I forgot along the way who I was, and I never gave myself a chance.
Now, with the big 3-0 on the way, I have a lot of thinking to do. Tonight I went for a long walk, with the wind blowing by my face, chilling my nose, and I thought about how if I could be anyone person in the world who would I be. And, I've decided to be myself. I will admit, though, I'm a little afraid.

There are these things that are so very Stephanie- a little quirky and odd. I can't make right hand turns in any vehicle, and I always check the ceilings in new places for an escape in case of some type of invasion. (Because, the bathroom in JC Penny's is JUST where bank robbers would run??? -Nancy Drew did that to me.) And then any new book I open I always have to hold it close to my face and breath it in- I love the smell of new books. But these things are just small things. Things that I have been afraid of because they make me- me. And what if me being me isn't good enough?

At the same time that I am afraid, I also have this hope. There are these verses in the Bible that talks about how God made us, knows us and has a purpose for us. I had been thinking that perhaps He had forgotten about me in the middle of all the noise and all the hustle of the day, and that He might not seem me in between all the other people that shine a little brighter than me. But, I don't think He did after all. I think He made me me on purpose. I think He made me just "every day" so that I can have the chance to do all the things that other people might not get to do and really find it enjoyable. I get to be messy and silly so kids love me and want to hang. I get to over curbs (carefully- or you'll blow a tire), and I can laugh and think it's funny and have a good story to tell the next day. I get to find some kind of weird delight in taking a ride through the car wash while drinking my favorite beverage.

If you look for me, you will find me. I might be sitting in the back listening, (or talking if someone gives me an open ear-ha!) taking in the crowd. I very well could be trying to help make someone else's day better with some sort of a story involving me in some near death experience on some stairs. Maybe I'll be practicing one of my accents (okay, I really only have one), and there's the possibility that I will have some sort of chocolate in my mouth and a puzzle book in hand, but I most definitely will be learning who I am. I would ask for you to give me a chance, but everyone already has- it's time for me to give myself a chance.

I think this is probably the biggest adventure I'm about to go on- and I think it should be a pretty good ride.

One request though from all of you though: if you happen to ever see me wandering in the parking lot, come walk with me. It probably means that I forgot where I parked and could use some company while I scour the rows for my missing vehicle.

Truth Be Told

I am a complete fall person. I love the smell of burning leaves. I love the fire-y colors, and the crisp air. I also enjoy the not too hot, not too cold, t-shirts during the day and sweatshirt at night options. I would not mind if fall took care of 9 months of the year. However, I am also delusional. I live in Northern Illinois.

Truth be told, I usually feel like Summers are humid. Falls are way too short. Winter is like... well, think of something really bad then multiple it by 1 million times, worse. And, when Spring comes, although beautiful, it arrives too late. That being said, I do also enjoy each season. And, if there was a guarantee that winter would only last EXACTLY three months, I might not dislike it at all.

This year, I feel like we have had the pleasure of enjoying each season. Spring was amazing, and the Summer of 2010 offered plenty of opportunities for swimming and Six Flags. And, then came the glorious fall. And, it's still here. Now, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and the days of burning leaves are coming to a close. My pathetic, yes, pathetic Christmas tree is up (I still love it, even though I am in serious need of a Christmas Tree intervention.), presents are already arriving and are wrapped up underneath my tree. Yet, it hasn't felt like Christmas, and I haven't quite felt ready for its arrival.

Until today.

When I saw my first flurries, and a snowflake hit me in the eyeball.

Now, I'm ready.

But, why can't it be possible for it to snow and still be 50 degrees outside, and cover everything but the roads?

Finishing out the week....

...of Thanksgiving.

Although, I have had a good run of blogging this month, I have missed a few days. However, I feel pretty good that I am back in the blogging world. That's my plan anyways!

There is of course, much to be thankful for this year, like any other year.
I'm closing this post out early.

More later.
Love to all,

Miscellaneous Monday

Mondays are always a little unexpected. Yes, I know they come around every seven days. I know they have their rightful place between Sundays and Tuesdays, but you just never know what Mondays could bring. Will you wake up late or early? Will there be traffic or will others decide to call in for a three day weekend? More importantly, will I get done on my list what I want to get done on my list? That's the real question the world should be asking.

Truth be told, I'm still not sure if I will cross off everything on my list.

This particular Monday started off well. I woke up on time, and arrived to work early (even after stopping at the grocery store for breakfast fruit for work). I managed to live through the day (which is another triumph all together- remember, it's a Monday) without any trials. I can cross off the grocery store because I made it there too!

I am now home. I changed into my comfy clothes within two minutes of arriving. Meanwhile, all my groceries are sitting right in front of my door. I should probably put them away. I should also do my laundry.

Then again, maybe I'll just sit on my couch and watch an episode of Matlock?

Until tomorrow,

Oh, it's just another day...

I haven't finished the final days from my cruise. I will finish it up soon. But for now some updates!

• New job. Some of you may be rubbing your eyes and re-reading that two word sentence, but yes people. It's true. After being a CSA for nearly seven years at my beloved place of employment, I now have a NEW JOB. I'm still at the same place. But, I am no longer a CSA. I will be a Benefits Operation Manager (or BOM). What will I be doing? I have no idea. Ask me in 2 weeks.
• New phone. Exciting, eh? It's a touch screen.
• Stop signs. Apparently I'm distracted. Last night I was driving to the gym, and I made a routine stop at a stop sign. There I sat, and sat, and sat...for about three minutes. I was waiting for the light to change to green. Um?..... I have no idea. Fortunately, I figured it out before anyone came along behind me. Although maybe if they had I wouldn't have been waiting for so long!
• It could be in the 40s this weekend. Can I hear a 50? Hello, Spring? Is that you???
  

A Road Map

I realized tonight that I have been MIA for quite a while. Yet, here I am again. I am sitting in the semi-dark. My Christmas tree is lit, and the small lights over my counter are on. It's cold outside, but warm in. I have done many things tonight, basically involving everything but the things that I really need to do. But, tomorrow is Friday, and the weekend is coming, opening its arms welcoming me in, and I am ready.

*******************
I have a couple of friends that I have acquired in Illinois who have taught me about "The Drive." Let me quickly explain.
You get in your car. You may or may not call your friends and say you have five minutes to be ready and jump in the car. Then you drive.

The Drive comes with rules:
1. Don't ask questions. For example, "Where are we going?"Not allowed. Neither is, "When are we going back?" or "what are we doing next?" Depending on who you are with, "I'm hot/cold, it's too windy" is also questionable.
2. Bring music, just in case you and your driving buddies need to sing.
3. Just gotta roll. Bring a jacket. Or a sweater. The person who is driving is in charge. If the driver decides to roll down the window, and blare the heat, go with it.
4. Sit back and relax. Whether you are driving or riding, you should enjoy the ride. Enjoy the scenery. Talk. Laugh. Cry.
5. When you end up back where you started from you should feel better, lighter, calmer, and even happier than when you first headed out.

I am terrible at "The drive." I make an excellent passenger, but when it comes to being the driver I am awful. I have a need to know where to go next, where to turn, when's the stop light, what's the speed limit.... I could go on of course. I slide in, sit behind the wheel, and grip it tightly, afraid to just go. I need a map. My other friends who are experts at the drive do not need a map. They just drive. We have been lost quite often, but we always return whole and safe and well.

Life is not always as easy as the drive. I can look outside, and plan into tomorrow. I can decide when I'm going on vacation, and where, but the bends in the road, the storms, the hills, well I just quite frankly cannot see them. I want a map. I sit behind the wheel, and I grip tightly, anxious to know where I'm going, what will happen next. There is no map for life, though. Sometimes I believe that God is waiting for me to slide over to the passenger seat, lean back, and enjoy The Drive.

Overall, I think it's been a pretty good one.

Proverbs 3:5-7
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.

The Re-potting of Blanche

Not being a "green-thumb" type, I'm not sure if "re-potting" is actually a word, but I'm using it anyways. I have fallen in love (I believe it is possible) with my beautiful Ficus, which was given to me over a year ago. Blanche has graced my desk at work with her presence since she arrived in my life, and she has grown. New leaves have sprung up and she stretches taller than she did a year ago.

A week ago I realized my beautiful plant was out growing her pot. Her roots, not able to push down, were pushing upward, out of the dirt. She has had no where to grow. Today, I ran errands, enjoying a middle of the week day off, and I went and found a new pot for my plant. Armed with dirt, I attempted to do what I had never done before and move Blanche from one pot to a new pot, thus the "re-pot" comes in to play.

As I carefully removed Blanche from her old home, to move to her new, I found exactly what I had expected to find. Her roots were all bunched up tight, unable to move, unable to grown. Following the directions, I planted her safely in her new home, where I expect she'll have more room to grow.

It struck me as I was moving her, that she has been trapped in a tight area, not able to grow. She has had no choice. At the same time, I realized I trap myself. I wrap myself up tight, and while maybe safe, I have no where to grow. I don't allow God to move in me. Moving to a new place is scary. I've done it. It's unnerving, going where you don't know, moving to a place with which you are unfamiliar. I don't only mean moving physically. There's more than that. There is the surrender, saying to God, I have no idea what you want with me, but I'm open. I don't know who you want me to be, or where you want me to go, or do, but I'm open.

It feels safer doing the same routine day in and day out. Reading the same verses, seeing the same friends, doing what is familiar, but then there is the beauty of risk, the beautiful potential that surrounds every day when I walk out my door. I can continue to do what I have always done, and continue to get what I've always got, or I can become something bigger. Grow somewhere newer.

Today, that is my prayer. That I will be open to God moving in my life. Open to Him challenging me to be a light.

Time to stretch my roots.

How do you pause this thing?

If only life had a pause button. Wouldn't it be wonderful to pause moments in our life, and just have the ability to sit and enjoy? I'd have paused the night it snowed, as the world became a snow globe around me; I'd pause the night my family and I were huddled together in my parent's living room, watching movies and eating popcorn until late at night; I would pause the time I jumped from the cliff and remain motionless above the water, for seconds longer; I would pause the times I laugh with my friends, and laugh and laugh; I'd pause...and pause...and pause....STOP.

Why is it that sadness causes all of to reevaluate our lives and our actions? Why is it that it takes some act of sorrow to cause us to make a change? Why can we not wake up every morning, determining to live as though this day, this one day, is all we have? Why don't we decide in the morning, this is what I must do, this is who I must love, this is where I must go. Why do we instead, lay in bed and say, oops maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll do that; maybe tomorrow I will love; maybe tomorrow I'll go there. What happened to today? It is given to us just once, and we either choose to embrace it, or let it lie, wishing it away, waiting for tomorrow because, well, because... tomorrow will be better?

We could at the same time try to pause our, try to stop time. That doesn't work either. We are left instead with the choice to take every moment and breathe every breath as though it's the last. No looking back. No crying for yesterday. No wasting today, wishing for tomorrow.

So tonight, I plan on going to sleep on my brand new bed, and enjoy it. It's the first new night, and the last first night. Tonight, I'll do my homework and exercise. Talk to my friends. Talk to my family. Tell them I love them. Get ready for tomorrow. And probably sing while doing the dishes. But I won't waste time crying for yesterday. And I won't miss out on the moments I have today waiting for tomorrow. No time for pausing.

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."
~Chinese Proverb

Wednesdays Walk- On a Thursday

A Walk on a Wednesday-Er make that Thursday

This summer has been wonderful as a whole, busy but great. I have found myself taking trips all over the mid west and I have learned multiple things about myself:

1. I love my friends. The last few months I have met up with so many of my friends from school (elementary- middle- high) and college. Friends make us who we are. After seeing these friends that I grew up with, I have found that they are responsible for helping me to be who I am..... all good of course, all good.
   
2. I love fields of country. I love the hills of corn and they way that they sound when the wind blows through them. I love how in the evening, on a warm day, the fireflies light up and swim in the air above the field. These days, city may be in my heart, but country will always be in my soul.
   
3. I love being home. When I first moved out on my own, I thought I'd go stir crazy. I could not imagine spending time with myself, and enjoying it, butI do. Whether it be after a long trip or a short day, I love coming home.
   

On my recent journeys I found myself taking many pictures. Here's some of my faves:

Indiana--- Guess where this is!?!
On the road to Missouri


Nebraska:

Iowa: Illinois:
On to other news, homework. I find it funny to say that I have homework. Seeing as I'm going to school online, there's really no other way to say it.

I must admit, it is a challenge to be going to school and working. Some days I feel as though I cannot put any more information in my head. I do, however, enjoy it. I love learning, and I am excited about where I am headed!

Lastly, I have been rather on the crafty side. Fortunately, I feel like I have good reason seeing as I am studying to be an elementary school teacher, I'll have plenty of reasons to use my weird creativeness! Here are some of my projects:


My two little friends Hayley and Megan came over one day and we made bags and bracelets.
Note how large this bag looks on the shoulder of the beautiful girl in the picture? Marketing ploy. It was NOT that big! We were shocked, but it was still fun designing a bag!

My Mosaic Garden stone:
I have plans to make a mosaic table. I wanted to practice and see how difficult it was. I must say, it wasn't difficult at all!

On a final note, when I would talk to the kids in children's church, we would talk about the blessings, or the good things that God has given us. Sometimes it is so easy to forget all of the great things that God has given me. (If you had seen me last week you would know what I'm saying) But I know that I have a place to live, and food to eat. I have clothes, water, friends and family. I should remember to be thankful every day rather than dwell on the "woes" and the difficulties that life can throw.

What do you have to be thankful for today?

Psalm 34:8
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him."

To the Moon...

In my mind there have always been these "careers" that sounded something more like dreams than reality. For example, being an astronaut. At one point, the thought of floating around in space in a small area terrified me. Then I saw Space Camp (keep in mind I was probably only seven) and I changed my mind. From then on, even to this day, I can understand the desire and the draw that people have to go "where no man has gone before." I can look up in the sky, then close my eyes and literally feel the need to travel up to the moon, to explore and to understand what is beyond.

On to California where I met this group of people who had a fascination with standing on the top of tall cliffs-right on the edge. I was amazed because I was terrified by the thought of climbing a cliff let alone dancing on the edge where the wind could blow me off with one swift gust. I thought I understood the draw or the desire to climb and to be high enough to see the world, but then I read, Into Thin Air, and I knew that there was something else beyond what I myself knew or understood. The small measly 120 foot cliff I repealed down is nothing compared to what others have done, and need to do. (You dare devils- you know who you are... you amaze me and I am mesmerized by what you are able to do)

Here I am now, sitting in my apartment writing papers, reading books and studying (okay at the moment I'm taking a little break) for what I have a need to do. I know that compared to going to the moon, climbing a mountain, teaching is not a glorious, amazing, throw a parade type of profession, but for me, there has always been a desire, an overwhelming need to teach. I believe that this is an honor, and a need that God placed deep inside my heart so long ago. Despite the late nights, the books, the reading, the papers, when I look down to the end of the road, I can see exactly where I'm going.

For me, I have found, I might as well be going to the moon...

"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

46 Lessons of Life

Received from an email!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Like driving, slow down, look both ways and yield a little. You do not always have to be first.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift
46. Do a good deed everyday. Open a door, remember to say "thank you", smile, let someone in your lane of traffic. You may not know what effect it will have on them but it will make you feel better about yourself.

Make today beautiful!

Love,

Reading, Writing and 'Rithmetic

Back to school!

I am back to school after a month off. I will say that the first year as a new old student has had it's challenges. It definitely has been a new experience! It's completely different this time around for many reasons.

• For one, I'm not living in a dorm.
  
• Secondly, I'm doing "learning" thing online. My school is in another state. My teacher is myself, and my books are mainly online.
• I work full time.
  
• I don't live in a dorm. I don't have 40 other crazy girls living in the same hallway with me.
  

The thing is, despite the differences, despite how much work it is, despite the stress, despite all of the differences I love doing what I'm doing now. I love being a student again and learning. AND I am excited about the direction that I am going.

Things I will keep in mind this year back to school:

• Staying up late + Getting up early= Cranky Stephanie. I need to go to bed earlier (and sleep longer, hahaha!)
• Worry incessantly about whether or not you passed a test is not a good way for a person to spend the weekend. Plus, I'm pretty sure worrying can cause ulcers. It can also cause violence. I have been threatened that the next time I say I failed a test I will be beaten. This next time around I will do not say anything about failing. I cannot guarantee that I won't think it, but if I don't say it, that's at least a start, right?
• The Nez Perce tribe is from the Pacific Northwest. I don't know why I need to remember that, but I apparently, months later, still do.
  

Other news:

• I have signed up to help my new church in the children's department. It's a scary thought, and I'm nervous, but at the same time I am really excited again at the thought of working with the kids.
• No, my floor in my apartment is not completed. Yes, my stove is on my counter top. No, I've not had a tantrum again. Yes, I will be glad when it's done. In the words of my friend Karen, "In light of everything, this is a small thing."
• This weekend I'll be headed to the land of my Alma Mater. Of course, my real purpose in driving to Missouri involve my friends who at one point asked me to be their friend "Til death do we part!" (I said yes of course!)
  

Blogging Sabatical

I have been MIA for a month now. I thought that during this month off of school I would avoid, as much as possible, spending hours and hours on the computer. Soon enough, May 4th to be exact, I will begin the daily life of a college student-- while the life of a college student who doesn't live in a dorm, go to classes, or receive care packages from home. (Although.... I still enjoy fresh baked goods and fun surprises in my mailbox- if you would like to send me a package let me know! I'll send you my address!)

What have I been doing over the last month? Let me tell you.

Cleaning:
Dishes

Vacuuming

(Looks like I missed a spot!)

Dusting
Washing windows
Organizing
Oh- yeah washing walls and squishing water out from under my floor boards.

Reading:
Books
Blogs
Magazines

Activities:
Playing piano
Practicing sign language
Making cards
Exercising

Friends and Family:
On the phone
In Indiana
In Illinois

Weddings

(This is my mom doing her famous trick. Yes, I do think it's cool, but I can't take her anywhere! And I really wanna understand how it works!)

Birthday parties
Movies

Next up -in four days- it'll be BACK to the BOOKS! Don't let that scare you. For those of you who know how wack-o I went during this last term, I'm pretty sure that won't happen again. I will NOT be taking 18 credits again, but rather sticking to 12. I also have trips planned, movies to see, dinners to attend, songs to sing...you get the picture.
I think I'm ready!

Hide-n-Seek

I am currently sitting at my desk at work, on lunch, hunched down low and hoping that no will come looking for me. I'm crunching on my nachos from the downstairs cafe, pretending that they are from Salsaritas. I'm remembering my relaxing weekend, and looking forward to (already) the weekend that lies ahead. I am, in effect, hiding. Hiding from co-workers (I was, however, just found, multiple times actually.) Hiding from reality of my lunch. Hiding, however ineffectively, from the start of a new work week. I hide quite a bit. Hide and wish away today and hope for tomorrow which won't come nearly fast enough. And, at the end of the day, I'll go home to my quiet place, where I find peace and quiet and alone-ness.

I also hide my heart. The dark part. The parts that people would cause people to shutter if they saw first hand. The side that threatens to overtake me on a daily basis. Yesterday, the pastor at my church talked about this very situation. He said, "Look at your neighbor, and tell them your worst "sin"." There were many people who started talking immediately before he yelled, "Kidding! Don't do it!" I myself sat there without saying anything, not because I have no sins but because I was trying to think of what would be the worst. The piece of candy that I found on the floor of the store when I was three? (Yeah, I ate it.) My attitude? Maybe. The way I've treated people. Perhaps? But, I think most of all, my worst sin is a combination of all that is laying hidden in my heart so that no one can see it- hypocrisy. "Oh, but you are so sweet!" And, I have had people say that, but they don't see me as I roll my eyes and make a face at something that someone did. Or, they don't know the attitude that I've had, the impatient, rude attitude when someone "bothers" me, or makes me wait when I am in a hurry. I am---hiding. And yet, try as I might, there is someone who still sees me as I am crouching in my "hide-n-seek" position.

He can see my heart, and the black that is there. And, as of late, I've wanted to have a painting done over the black and have it covered the purest shade of white. But I can't hold the paintbrush. In the past, when I've tried to paint over the stain, I've managed to cause streaks, and instead of a pearly white, I have a gray mess. The paintbrush has to be relinquished to someone else, who has the ability to not cover up, but make white from the inside out.

And so I sit in the secret place, in quiet, and I'm asking God to look at this heart of mine and too make me new. To make the appearance of the outside the truth on the inside, and not the other way around.

He is the only one who can make me new.

And, I think I plan on playing on the real hide-n-seek going forward. Who wants to join?

Psalm 51:7
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Matthew 23:27
...You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean.

Isaiah 1:18
Come now, let us reason together...though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow...

Thinking again

• Tonight I just used one of those giant Ziploc bag things that you suck the air out with a vacuum cleaner. This has gotta be one of the best inventions. I wanna put everything in a bag so I can use this.
  I'm gonna shove the bag of clothes under my bed now.
• I almost fell down my stairs. Yes, it happens almost every day. My carpet is slickery on my stairs. I think I should buy one of those electric chair things that you attach to a staircase bannister. Then I could ride up on my chair without worrying about falling off.
• I only have 2 more papers and one test (which I take on Saturday). After that I am going to take just a month off and I am back to work. I also will not take more than 12 hours a term. This might be for everyone else's sanity more than my own. For those of you who have been supportive, encouraging and given me the kick I need, Thanks.
  
• I've packed my coats away. (They're in the bag that I'm shoving under my bed.) I am doing this in demonstration of good faith that warm weather is coming. If you happen to see me wearing 5 sweatshirts and 5 pairs of socks, you'll know why.
  

I leave you with this quote: (From a bumper sticker)
"Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate."
That's a good word right there.

Vacationing

This last week I had a week off work to vacation. You may all now be leaning forward to find out the exciting details of my fascinating week.

What did my week look like:

*Bought a desk*Drove to Indiana*Saw family*Slept*Saw friends at wedding shower (Yay for Tina!)*Visiting old memories*Essenhaus with friends from high school*Family times*Sleeping*Cooking*Talking*Sleeping*Breakfast at Angelos (With Tina!)*Driving to Chicago*Sleeping*Homework*Cleaning*Homework*Sleeping*Homework*Cleaning*Babysitting (fun kiddo love)*Picking up desk (Thanks friends!)*Cleaning*Homework*Cleaning*Chilis*Homework*Cleaning*Basketball game (Way to go Hayley and Nick!)*Cookies and hamburgers*Cleaning*Homework*Lunch with Tracy*Movie*Homework*
And now sleep, and then back to work!

It was in fact a week that I have been needing for quite a while!

Other things to note:

• I have been working on finishing all my general ed classes. This past week I wrapped up my math class assignments. This next week I'll be finishing my social science class with an assessment next Saturday. I'm going to do my best to not moan about failing, although there is always that possibility. Next up I will be starting the Master's classes. After a quick break of course.
• I love my new desk. The adventure really was in getting it up into my room. The spiral stairs are not conducive to moving furniture. That means, it goes over the balcony! The scariest part was getting the old one out. Not like I really did a whole lot, but I tried to be supportive and encouraging. I did hold onto a piece of the desk as it rested precariously on the side of the balcony.
• Where does dust come from? I mean I know, but seriously how does it accumulate so quickly? If only dusting once could mean dusting forever.
  
• Nancy Drew- oldies but goodies. I still love her. And when I grow up I have plans to be just like her. I've said it before, but she's smart and savvy and yet, stylish.
  
• The Thirteenth Tale- One of the most amazing books I have ever in my life read. I will be buying it.
• 1:30 am. Perfect time for paper writing!
  

If only every week was vacation!

Sticks and Stones...

If only the saying were true. Unfortunately sticks and stones tend to cause less damage than words. I was reminded of this on Friday night as I sat with two friends and we evaluated what events had brought us to where we were.

I remember one particular event. I was around fifteen. I was sitting with a friend. (*Names have been changed.) What brought us to this point in the conversation I don't know, and what happened afterward I also don't remember. There was this moment, however, of about thirty seconds. That moment has been etched into my memory. *Fred leaned back and started speaking, looking up at the ceiling. "Celia is very beautiful. Brenna is by far more beautiful than anyone in the world. Brooke, well, she's not pretty at all. Oh, well Stephanie, you are prettier than Brooke." I don't remember what I thought then at that moment. I do, however, know that it impacted me. That one statement caused me to think, oh well, he's right. I only have the chance of being prettier than someone who apparently falls below the "beauty" line. It was one person's opinion. I took it for truth.

And so, Friday night I sat with my friends and listened between the lines. I heard sorrow. A kind of sadness that cannot be explained. I listed to them talk about how they have tried to forget and erase the words that someone put on them. I heard them as they rationalized how these statements, not even true, had caused them to rethink their actions. The problem is, words, once spoken, cannot be taken back. We can look back into the eyes of someone who just spoke to us and say, "Oh, that doesn't bother me," and yet, we know it does. For many, the voice of negativity and contempt comes from the inside.That voice is usually the hardest to silence.

The true words that we should be listening to comes from the voice of the one who knows us best. The one who sees us when we are the worst versions of ourselves and yet loves us.

An excerpt from a commentary:
A young man was talking with his teacher. The teacher told the student to go to the grave of a particularly famous man. Once there the young man was to yell at the grave. Scream at the grave. Tell the man who's body lay buried there how terrible he was, how imperfect...(You get the idea.) The student went back to his teacher and waited for his next instructions. The teacher sent the student back to the grave and told him this time to give praise. The student did so. He went back to the grave and instead of negative words he replaced his words with praise. The young man went back to his teacher one more time. The teacher looked at the student. "You see," he said, "What you just said to the body buried in that grave means nothing now. He is not alive to hear it, to apply it, to use it. So it is with those who are "dead" in Christ. Praise and blame mean nothing."

What does that mean to me? I read that and realized that when I look to God for the affirmation about who I am I am at peace. I can be certain in those moments that I am who I should be. If I trust God for my worth and my value, the words of others are not my foundation.

Este y esto

I've been a bit fuggy over the last week. A cold has set in and made my mind a bit cloudy.
Here are, however, some random thoughts that I've had:

• A chin up bar sounds like a good idea. What is the possiblity of injury to myself and to others if I try something like this: Stephanie's idea for fitness. I think that I could hang in over my stairs and then dangle carefully over the stairway as I pursue fitness. I want to buy all these things, but where would I store my new "in home gym" equipment?!
  
• Would online piano lessons be a possibility? Not just the instructions or the music, but actually a piano teacher online giving lessons. I think it sounds like an amazing idea! Any takers? I need someone willing to help me!
• My math assignments still are not completed. P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-I-O-N. Yes. That's what I'm doing. I've been doing a lot of cleaning instead.
  
• That brings up another point, how bad is it that I procrastinate doing work by another form of work? Shouldn't I avoid doing homework because I'm hanging with friends or maybe because I'm watching movies or going shopping? Not me, I'm washing dishes.
  
• An old injury has resurfaced. Many of you may remember the incident from last summer. I have once or twice over the last year pulled my rib muscle just in the right way and caused the old pain to resurface. With my recent coughing and sneezing fits I have re-injured myself. If you hear my yell or groan, "Oh my ribs," or if you hear me say, "Ow!" (literally) every time I sneeze, you'll know what I'm sayin'.
  
• Tonight I was talking with a friend and the the question I asked her was what has she learned the most over the last year. That question really makes me think. What IS the thing that you learned the most over the last year?
  
• A person can never have too many flowers. Or chocolate. Or cheese. Or shoes....I'm digressing...
• And, one last thought. Jessica Fletcher is really a spry lady. I just watched her jog all through her town of Cabot Cove! (Yes, I know. I'm old.)
  

Random picture of the week:My home town... Yes, those are cows in the distance!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6....

I have counted down for as long as I can remember. Count down to camp, vacation, school start dates (yes, I was one of those people), school END dates, sleepovers, family visiting from Texas, birthdays... all of it. Once it went on the calendar, the counting began.

The tradition is something that I never quite stopped. In college I would once again count down to vacations and trips, finals, papers, going home, going back to college, the cycle never quite ending. What I remember though is having a moment of panic as my four year stint was ending. WHAT was I going to do? WHERE was I going to go? WHO was I going to be? I was clueless. The countdown was no longer helpful or fun, but instead a reminder of what was NOT waiting for me.

I did at that moment what seemed to be reasonable- I called my mom. Some background: My mom is not a here sit down let me pity you for hours and days. She does not let me wail and mourn. She does, however, give me the kick in the pants that I generally need. She did the same on that day.

"Stephanie?"
"Yeah?"
"Where are you now?"
"At school."
"Who are you now?
"A student."
"What should you be doing now?"
"Studying."
"Then that's what you do. You be where you are. You do what you have in front of you to do. Wherever you are- be there."

And it was true. Wherever I was at that time, that's where I needed to be. Where I was going, well, I would know what came next when I got there.

I remember that even now as I am making my lists and setting my calendar and planning my days out. It is easy to look ahead, but it is good to enjoy where you are, otherwise there are moments and times that you could miss. Sometimes it's the smallest things...

So, let's remember the past, look forward to the future, but live in today.

Would you keep a chive on your tooth just because you enjoyed last night's potato?
~From the television show Boston Common

Nothing is worth more than this day.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Never let the future disturb you.
You will meet it, if you have to,
with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”

~Marcus Aurelius